Another Ending

Well, that escalated quickly. The last 6 weeks of my time in Korea were a whirlwind of... everything. Now, here I am. With only one more day left of work. Only 4 more days in Korea. One more Monday, a hundred more goodbyes.

So, I had this list of practically a million things I wanted to do before I left Korea. Places I wanted to go, things I wanted to experience. At first, it was daunting. The pressure of time started creeping up on me. Then I realized, as I have time and time before, that I can't do everything. I did, however, try to squeeze in as much as possible. Having my friend here helped. I had to be a good host... which entails getting out of the house more than I would have otherwise.

We hiked mountains, went to jimjilbangs, and visited new places. I ate more than enough Korean food, and indulged in more soju than necessary. 

My last few weeks were colored beautifully by faces of friends and students. I made it a point to enjoy every last second of my job. To really appreciate how great I've had it the last two years. I was lucky enough to develop some really awesome relationships with my students. I'm currently involved in several group chats, where they keep me updated on their new classes and I keep them updated on my current position in the world. 

I was really thankful for my last evening in my neighborhood. The weekend prior was tough. I wasn't able to do half the things I wanted to; tying up loose ends. I was rushing to write "Thank You" cards, clean my apartment, and pack up a box to send home and my backpack to travel with. My last day of work was filled with snacks and photo shoots. I had to run home after to meet a friend, and to convince her to take all of the left over things that I wasn't able to sell. Then, as I was rushing to meet coworkers for a drink... I realized that it was the perfect time to pop into my yoga studio for the last time to extend my gratitude to my instructors for being so kind and accommodating. I missed my last class, and was worried that I wasn't going to have time to say goodbye. They were so excited that I stopped by, and even offered for me to stay for the next class. Which I think they realized I really could have used, considering my frazzled and stressed demeanor. 

Gamcheon Village, Busan

Magkeolli and Pajeon after hiking

I declined and continued my sprint to the coffee shop, until I noticed the lady who has been serving me food for 2 years standing on the side of the street. I was so excited for the chance to say thanks that I didn't even get nervous trying to speak to her in Korean. It was our best conversation yet. I really wanted to let her know that I was leaving, and to let her know much I've appreciated her. I was able to explain than I was not coming back to Korea and that her food was delicious. She asked me why, to which I replied, "I miss my parents." This was all my limited vocabulary would allow. She said, "Why don't they come here?" To which I had no choice but to say, "They don't like Korea." Which isn't entirely true, but I think it got the point across. 

Then, it was time to say goodbye to my coworkers, two of which I have seen almost everyday since arriving in Korea. It was a long and drawn out goodbye, as none of us wanted to get up and actually initiate it. Apparently I've become really good at controlling my emotional switchboard - because I didn't break out into tears during any of my goodbyes (those under the influence of alcohol do not count). I grabbed an overpriced bottle of wine from the market for the last time, only to get home and realized one of my friends had claimed my wine opener as their own. That didn't stop me. I spent the next 20 minutes watching YouTube videos, trying to find a clever way to open it. Instead I just resorted to pushing it through, which ended in a burgundy stained tank top. I stayed up late and enjoyed my last night in my apartment, organizing and packing and appreciating.

 Simple. Exactly the way I needed it to be. 

Wrap up

Alex// Sunrise @ Daewangam Park

I'm starting this blog three months prior to actually leaving Korea, in anticipation of having difficulty reflecting on my time here during the madness of my last few months.

Two years. Two years this has been my home. I've been thinking back to my first few months here, when I was in my nesting mode. Exploring my neighborhood, transforming my apartment into a place that I looked forward to returning to at the end of the day, catching up (or slowing down) to the pace of life. The life I created for myself here has been on one hell of a roller coaster. What I was doing during my first few months looks a lot different compared to what I am doing now. Ramen and gimbap are no longer a staple of my diet. My focus has drifted from accumulating objects to figuring out how to get rid of all my possessions. Wine and art nights have now just become art nights. Instead of rushing home after work, I rush to the gym.

When I walk down my street, I do so with a sense of pre-nostalgia. I'm viewing present moments with future feelings of loss. Soon, I will be overwhelmed with "lasts". The last time walking to work. My last class. The last time eating at my favorite gimbap restaurant. The last time purchasing flowers from the sweet lady on the corner. The list of ends is endless.

But what do endings bring, if not beginnings? It's hard trying to balance my appreciation for all that I am leaving behind and everything I have coming. One day I am asking myself if I am really ready to end this chapter, and the other I am begging time to move faster so I can get on with my plans. I've experienced this transitional phase a few times in the course of my life. I don't think it has gotten any easier to stay present when the "now" and the "future" are playing a competitive game of tug-o-war with my thoughts.

Things I'm gonna miss
-Ajummas speaking to me and having no idea what they are saying. Watching them laugh as a wave of confusion washes over my face, followed by us both giggling and shrugging our shoulders in defeat.

-Feeling really confident asking a question in Korean, only to realize I have no idea how to translate their response.

-My students, even the ones that make me want to pull my hair out.

-My apartment, and living near the sea. This is the first place I have been able to call entirely my own. Living alone and creating my own space has been such a treat.

View from my apartment

-Food. All of it.

-The families that I have been lucky enough to become a part of. I've had the chance to watch the kids I babysit for grow up, the boys into curious pre-schoolers and the girls into fun toddlers that never fail to brighten my day. Their moms have become like sisters to me, and I'm lucky enough to have the chance to take solace in the comfort of "family" when mine is so far away. 

- Jimjilbangs, and being completely comfortable walking around butt naked. Hopping between the scorching hot and ice cold baths, mixed in with a few sessions in the saunas. I wish I would have taken advantage of these magical places more often... but I refused to visit the one near my house in fear of seeing one of my students. THAT I would not be comfortable with.

- The incredible people that I teach with, and get to see nearly everyday. I am so lucky to work with people that I genuinely enjoy being around. My Korean coworkers have been so dang helpful since the beginning. I never hesitate to ask them for help, which they are always happy to give me.

-Cheap taxis, which sometimes double as the entertainment for the evening.

-Norebangs, and their unbeatable collection of old, cheesy English songs.

Things I am not going to miss
-Trash

-Being a part of an educational system that I disagree with. I often have a heavy heart at work, knowing that most of my students are stressed and tired. Some of them haven't eaten dinner, and won't have a chance to before they go to their next academy. Some of them study for 12 hours a day. They study when they are on vacation at school. They study on the weekends. Their little lives are focused on passing tests and memorizing useless facts. I have constantly wished there was something more that I could do. Something more than trying to shift the focus of our classes from "studying" to "talking". I hope I was able to help my students relax and take a breath.

- The frequency that I see dead animals for sale. Don't get me wrong, I find it completely fascinating. Roaming around markets is one of my favorite past times, and they are always presenting me with something new. I've never really been exposed to markets like this growing up, so they are one of the things that makes me realize where I am. However, seeing and smelling it every day isn't pleasant. And the condition that they keep some of those fishies in makes me uncomfortable as well.

I've probably said it a million times, but I am so grateful that I've been given the opportunity to experience Korea on such a deep, captivating level. I tried to be as present and aware as I could. I think this helped me come to somewhat of an understanding of what, and who Korea is. In the process of learning about another country, I've learned more about myself. I've gone through cycles, in and out of good habits. One thing I can say for sure, is that I'll be leaving Korea as the best version of me to date. It took a few downs to really catapult me into a deeper sense of self, and of this beautiful world around me. 

reflections, man

Hidden little park near my home - Ulsan, Korea

One year. I made it! I've survived.

I say survived like being here for one year is something to endure, and not enjoy. As much of a challenge as it feels like sometimes, living in Korea has been exceptionally pain free. My quality of life is good in all major aspects. I have a job I enjoy, friends I love, a country that is exciting to explore, and enough money to make the most of all of it. I've done so much in my time here. I'll do my best to sum some of it up. SUM SOME. Ha!

Taxi rides with my baby

I've survived without Mexican food, my own car, easy access to organic goods, and some of my favorite extracurricular activities.

I've visited two countries, and have two more (at least) to knock off the list before this year is over.

I've become slightly more well versed in "extreme" sports and getting my adrenaline pumping in the form of scuba diving, rock climbing, zip-lining, ropes course, caving, and rafting. To be honest, the latter weren't all that extreme, unless we're talking Korean standards.

Namhae Island, Korea

I've opened up a whole new underwater world that's going to be, undoubtedly, my favorite and most expensive hobby for the entirety of my life. It's worth every penny. It's been months since I last dove and every time I see a picture of any underwater creature or look back at my experience in Thailand - this WAVE of nostalgia and longing crashes over me (pun entirely intended). I don't understand why I'm not always in the water, swimming with fishes in the calming and quiet depths of the sea. 

 

Samsung Lions baseball game - Daegu, Korea

Street performers, hypnotizing young girls with their fresh dance moves - Hongdae, Seoul

I've watched countless Korean dramas and listened to more than my fair share of K-pop. I've used these weapons to my advantage in the classroom, connecting with the kids on a level that excites them. Dramas also do this thing where they play the same three songs from the soundtrack, depending on the mood of the scene. Romantic scene? Cue romantic song. I've accumulated quite the list of Korean songs I can *almost* lip sync. Oh, and I've become more comfortable belting out love ballads in a Norebang (karaoke) room than I could have ever imagined.

I've learned enough functional Korean to allow me to order food, haggle, and express my excitement about the opening of a new tunnel to my taxi driver (who thankfully shared my joy). I, by no means, am anywhere near able to speak Korean. Throughout this next year, I'm sure my database of phrases will grow. Maybe I'll even be able to piece together cohesive sentences. I'm not going to get my hopes up too high.

That being said, I've learned how to communicate with a very limited vocabulary and quite a creative assortment of hand motions/facial expressions. I have a deep appreciation for western grocery stores and customer service, although I have learned to do without reading nutrition labels and returning items. I've learned how to adapt recipes using the ingredients I have on hand, and how to live without a proper oven.

I have gained weight and lost it and gained it again. I've struggled with body image a lot, not only in Korea. When I first arrived here, I was the healthiest and smallest I've ever been in my adult life. When I was home, it was easy to maintain. Unfortunately when I moved here it wasn't quite as easy settling into a diet and lifestyle that would have been effective in maintaining that version of myself. The excitement of new foods and effects of having a full time job and extracurriculars have taken a toll on my waistline. For a while I've had this, "OMG I need to lose weight before I visit Vegas. I need to look the same as when I left." Despite all the things hindering that goal (mainly my lack of desire to work out three times a day) I have done my best to foster a mindset that accepts myself as I am now - not worrying everyday about where I use to be and where I want to be. I've started living my life by making the best choices I can each day, and not beating myself up if I don't go to the gym. I feel much healthier and happier just by changing my mindset.

I've developed myself as a teacher, although not quite in the ways I was imagining. I've learned to roll with the punches and get kids to talk to me - and how to not be offended when they won't. I've figured out how to incorporate real lessons amongst boring book work. I've had a blast teaching my little students the different between "r" /"l" and "b"/"v". I still have to hold in my laughter when they just can't figure it out (despite my explicit, ridiculous examples of tongue/teeth placement).  Sometimes, especially with my younger students, I can feel my self becoming a bit agitated. I wasn't "taught" how to teach students I couldn't effectively communicate with. Let me tell you though, I am quickly learning. I raised my voice more than I ever, EVER imagined I would - mainly because sometimes that is the only way to get them to understand that I am upset. Thankfully my students are more accustomed to me at this point and I need nothing more than the "look of shame" to coerce them. There have been countless moments where I have been on the verge of losing my cool. All it takes is a breath or two, separating myself from the teacher perspective and settling into the observer role. Just watching them interact is enough to calm me down. Still, when I am feeling a bit out of control - I look at their cute little faces and innocent smiles and it's SO hard not to be happy. Even the most destructive ones have the ability to make me laugh when they are being unmanageable. Behavior management isn't one of my strong points. The line between teacher and friend will be endlessly blurred. 

I've learned more about English grammar than I thought was possible. I've discovered explanations for things I didn't even realize had one. Past Participle? Gerund? All new vocabulary to me. Psssh. I often have to warn my kids that most of the time, we are doing this whole "learning" thing together. Not only that, but I care more about grammar than I ever have before. Check my recent Google searches if you want proof.

I've experienced experience on top of experience, some of which can never be categorized or put into words. EXPERIENCE. My favorite word and ultimate goal in life. Sue me for saying it a thousand times; I would still think that being sued was a great learning experience. 

Pyeongchang County, Korea

It was two years ago that I was frolicking throughout Europe. Between my Timehop app and Dropbox account, I've had constant reminders of what mischief I was up to. It's weird looking back on those pictures and memories. I get this feeling. A weird combination of nostalgia and desire. I can remember what it felt like, living for a few weeks in a little Italian village or waking up spooning my backpack in a train station - but the specific and detailed hard copy memories have faded.

In a few years time, these moments I am living now will be reduced to not much more than a feeling. A feeling that categorizes my time spent in Korea. An association with a time that once was, triggered by a smell or a word or a song.

It's crazy, and almost humbling, to acknowledge this fact. I will constantly be replacing what once was with what is now. Shuffling through old memories for more current ones.

Eoreumchi Village - Pyeongchang County, Korea

Everything I do won't always be fresh in my mind. I can take thousands of pictures and write until my fingers are tired, the memories will still dwindle. Regardless, all the things I've done can never be undone. They will never become less meaningful. They will never stop having an impact on me, even after they've been forgotten.

Throughout my life there will be small, nanoseconds of recognition of the moments that had previously been lost in the jumble of my mind.  It's almost like a little gift that my brain is giving me. "Hey Ellie, you haven't thought about x, y, and z in years. Here's a little reminder."

To me, this is why it is SO important to be continuously be present. Not only is it increasingly difficult to be consumed with what has happened in the past and what you want to happen in the future; it takes away from what is happening now. Appreciate this moment for what it is RIGHT NOW. This is the only chance you have to feel it. Take it all in. Don't worry so much about recording it. Don't worry about the video footage or potential Instagram post. Focus on the smells and the sounds and how hard your heart is beating. Listen to the people who are speaking. Let the taste of the food sit on your tongue a little longer. Acknowledge your anxiety and how relieving it is to finally take your seat on the train or check into your hostel. Look around. Slow down. Live each moment wholeheartedly, because it will never be the same. You will never be able to do it justice through pictures, storytelling, or video compilation. Take as much as you can from the moment and let it become apart of you. That is your best chance at preservation. Expect less and experience more. EXPERIENCE.

Namehae Island crew, round 1

f e s t

So many festivals, so little time - but I'm not complaining. It's strange, because in most aspects of my life every thing feels incredibly normal. When I sit back and reflect, however, I remind myself of all the opportunities that I have to do really awesome stuff. Is it awesome just because I'm in Korea, and therefore it seems really cool by default? Maybe.

But at the end of that day that doesn't matter. What matters is how much I'm enjoying myself. And that's a lot. 

Korea loves celebrating things. Lanterns, garlic, seaweed. Fireworks, whales, apples. The list of various festivals I could attend on any given weekend is extensive. Sometimes these festivals pop out of no where. I'll be walking around, minding my own business, when low and behold my plans for the day have led me right into a fish festival. They are awesome. A reason to hang out with friends, be surrounded by culture, eat, drink, and interact with locals. Let me tell you one thing a group of drunk, elderly Korean men love; a group of equally drunk, foreign girls.

Busan Fish Festival

The first festival of the seasons brought us to Jinhae, where we wandered through train tracks and masses of people while admiring the flowers. It's a bummer these beautiful trees are only in bloom for a few weeks. Who's decision was that, eh?! 

Although not a festival, I took a trip to one of the most beautiful places in Korea: Seoraksan. It was on my list. After ziplining down the longest zipline in Asia, we spent the evening in a small city outside of the national park. Hot tubbing, eating. And drinking ensued. Did I mention I was with my best friends? I swear, I am so lucky to have Leena by my side. Now, not only do I have Leena - I have my Meygs. A ball of fire from California. They are drastically effecting my quality of life while here. Without them, I would be having a blast. With them? A damn explosion. An explosion of fun and happiness.

Seoraksan was perfect. Rainy, yes. But when did a consistent, light drizzle every hurt anyone? It made the landscape seem mystical, like I was in some sort of fantasy. We hiked up to Ulsan Bawi(rock), which is the "main" attraction in the national park. After making it to the top I wandered into the temple. I stood there in awe at how beautiful and peaceful it was. It took me a few minutes to finally realize that the room was carved into the rock. It was incredible. After a sweet little monk offered us some hot tea, we made our way back down to the bottom to enjoy a lunch of Korean Pancakes and Soju before heading up the cable cars.

As we reached the top of the mountain, the cable car was thrown into the clouds. We could see nothing around us except for the fluffy, grey fog. I felt like I was arriving at a distant planet, about to step off of a space ship. We weren't able to see any of the incredible views from the top, but it was still beautiful. The lingering clouds created a calming environment as our little group of friends gathered on some (off limits) rocks away from the heavy treading of Korean families.

View of the Han River in JeongSeon

The following week a group of us got together for a river picnic at Taewagan Park. Tacos were involved. Low and behold, a lantern festival was taking place at the park. After an old man nonchalantly placed one of his (10) pet birds on my head, we took a walk around the forest of bamboo and admired a few thousand flowers. Okay, sixty thousand flowers (at least, that's what I think the taxi driver said).